All screwed up
by luvthatangiex
Summary: -Spoiler alert after ch. 481- Sasuke is being dragged back home by Naruto and Sakura but ends up being a total pile of mess, a mental wreckage from his past actions, but will his past be able to save him from himself? -angsty, depsressed story-
1. Dwelling on the past

before I start i just want to say, that I am inspired by sasuke, and itachi so this is Naruto, wish belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. I am in no ways connected to naruto or the writer of the manga.

it' s a drabble of thoughts may turn into something more than that and i have a plot in mind.

please review and enjoy.

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All screwed up.

Chapter one: Dwelling on the past.

Maybe it was better to get lost in it all? Go to the bottom like a brick that sings to the bottom of the ocean, sinking deep into the sand, getting buried in it, never to be found again.

Yes. That was what he planned on doing. He planned on burying his coldest, most painful thoughts, that brought him rageful tears, that would slide down on his cheeks like liquid fire. Was it worth, to him? To his elder brother? Was it worth, the pain, everything that he, not only did to his sweet, little brother, but to himself? Killing his emotions, for the world? He had killed his family, for fucking world peace, and he expected him to understand, and forgive the world for it. The world didn't have a place for his family, so why would he give a damn about others? It was just plain stupid.

He wanted to kill. He wanted everyone to feel his hate, his pain. He didn't care anymore. About what was right, and what was wrong. No one had seen what he had that night. And it had haunted him for nearly 10 years now, driving him to insomnia, the nightmares- how he would wake up in the middle of the night, tangled in sweat and the bedsheets wrapping him up, the smell of dead, the bloodstained floor that he hadn't been able to wash off, the white walls, that had slowly turned gray from the thick layers of dust enveloping them, made him feel like he was in a mental hospital.

All that his once beloved elder brother had said to him, drove him to his stoic self. He had lost himself during the years. He had come to what others would call, the shell of the person he once was, a ghost, no heart and soul (well physically he had a heart, but he deeply doubted any feeling would be able to break through).

Their father taught them to be proud of their numerous family. To keep their head high, their back straight and never care of what others say. The latter remained in him, but he had lost his posture. As the years passed by he grew more melancholic. His once straight back had now become like a branch. Fliding in front, while he rested his hands in the warm pockets of his jeans. But to him everything was cold. The world was a cold, cruel place to live in. he didn't care about anyone really. Didn't care about the stares he was given by people. It was common knowledge that in his village, their clan was not apreciated, they were hated, thus that explaining the location of their own private corner, so to call the compound, that was way off the rest of the village, and it was nearly 20 minutes walk to the village itself.

Once their parents had died, or so he'd say, murdered, killed in cold blood, he was experiencing the tender age of eight, soon to be trauma was huge. His brother was everything to him, he not only loved and admired him, de simply adored his elder brother. But seeing everything and despite the common knowledge, he felt that he was only concieved in case that his elder brother would turn out to be a failure. Which wasn't the case. He was good, but his brother was better. He was perfect but his brother was excellent. And as his brother has once told him, he continued to remain the wall he must climb in order to overcome him, and to reach their fathers' expectations, to be acknowledged by him.

So many moments of a childhood that should have been full of good memories, so he could, on bad days recall back on, had been lost, replaced by memories of lies, of being decieved, on decieving himself by denying what he saw. Thinking, he was hallucinating, by the blood loss, fever and shock.

They were all lies. Lies of a world that never was and never in his life would be again. He had lost everything and no sweet words of compensation could ever bring that joy, those tender 8 years of his life. The happiest ones ever, and he had gotten to a certain belief that those were the only moments and will always be the only moments he was truly happy and carefree.

By now it had become a whole other story. He had shut his feelings off. Shut his brain off, he had only one desire, to avenge, and he didn't care, or so others thought of whom he had to sweep out of his way to obtain what he wanted, - no what he needed the most- to finally free his mind from that selfmade trap he himself had fallen into. He wanted himself to believe that nothing could ever hurt him again. Numbed his emotions, onyx black eyes were fathomless, empty, but the few people that had had the ocasion to close up a bit to him saw a mixture of bitterness, emptiness, hate, despise, and then again, in moments of despair the look of an innocent, scarred child who would need his mothers affection, his fathers harsh tone to put him back to track, but most of all the always caring brother. He would need a family, in those times he would wake up in a hospital, his wrists tied to the bed, and all covered up in thick layers of bandages, after those nights of despair, of angst that he had temporarly lost himself in grief and would try to end his life.

He was in the hospital in the moment he was thinking these. Again tied down, feverish, and snow white of the blood loss. His stomach was pumped, washed out, as he had tried a more effective way to kill himself, by taking sedatives and sleeping pills, as well as shooting some coke. He had no reason to live. Despite everyone's effort to keep him alive he was not worth it. They had tried to move him out of that haunted compund but he refused, each time returning to the home of his nightmares. The story of his misery seemed endless, slow and painful.

He had once read something that often made him contemplate: 'feeling is the deadliest sin, the slowest form of suicide' he murmured out loud to himself, making sure he heard it as well as thought of it. Though, he showed no emotion and seemed a heartless bastard in front of others, when he was alone, he was dwelling in self pity, allowing his emotions to slowly drive him to insanity. He had reached the point to where he didn't even find a vein in his arm to shoot himself up, to he had to look in other places. His arm was infected and he secretly wished he would somehow contact that new virus the had said completley destroyed the immune system. There would be no way out of it then and his freinds would not, no.- could not save him. Thus he never changed the needles, even tried to put in in the dumpster and shot himself up afterwards but nothing. Years had passed but nothing happened to him. It was beyond irritating.

By then he only went out to buy himself some boose, cigarretes and maybe some legal herb, due to the fact that he didn't have money to buy pot. He was broke. His best bud, or so he had entitled himself was always bringing him some money from his own low payment and some food. He would talk, he would nod and listen to the others pointles yapping ocasionally dropping a 'hm' or and 'oh' to seem the slightest interested. Truth was he hated how they all tried to save him. He was no one to save. He wanted to lead his life insivibly and that did not require anyones caring, attention, it was about being just him, and him alone in a world that did not care, they never did anyhow, so why'd they interfere now? There was no need, and it certainly, was not required, still they continued they're meaningless bickering.

His story seemed to have no end, his life seemed eternal. On the physically he was just a nineteen year-old, but on the inside, he was antient. His thoughts brought him far away from his woorld, trapped in his own, private hell and he didn't make an effort, to escape. It really was endless, reminded him of that one endless story thet his brother read to him when he was barely seven. He seemed fascinated by that, back then, but he had come to the realization that it wasn't something to be proud about, it sucked balls.

And so all his efforts to dies miserably, even his thoughts of drinking himself to death and drowning in his own vomit had been either stopped or failed just as miserably as his whole fucking life.

And so the question came... what should he do now? Find a meaning in life? Find something he was keen on doing? He did not care about life, he did not care about any other activities. He didn't need friends, he was very well on his own, much for the disbelief of others. Nobody counted. Nobody mattered.

True there were many things in life he hadn't done. Never went to parties, never fucked, jesus christ, he never ever, once in his lifetime jacked off, and he didn't even feel the need to do it. Never felt attracted to women, nor men as matter of fact, though he had, many times questioned his sexuality, but came to the conclusion that no, he didn't like men either. So that made him completley asexual.

He sweared alot, he had bad temper, quickly lost it, but he always kept swearing to himself never losing his perfect image, never losing his composure. Though he had once gotten so irritated he labeld the guy standing in front of him in the line Fat Jesus, for the mere fact that the other kept yapping at him, and not only did his mouth stink like rotting rats boiled in three weeks vomit but as he lifted his armds it smelled like, under that blue-white shirt he had a skonks farm and they were trained to fart each time the man made any movement. Air conditioning did not make any difference. And so by calling the bearded gigantic skonks Fat Jesus the other found his place, yelling a like a dozen of insults at him after which he ended up with a black eye and a very screaming cashier after he fell on her, losing his balance from the hit.

He had felt better after hitting something. That coming to mind now had made him think he should start some king of sport, like boxing, though it was a pure American-European thing and he did not want to mix his own culture with foreign ones. He contemplated on Thai Kwan Do, and tha maybe some physical effort would help him release part of the rage he kept locked deep inside, somewhere at the back of his mind, after being denied the title of that title was, after being dragged home by his so called friends. They just wouldn't want to accept the fact, that he had done his part, learned his mistake and wanted more revenge. they couldn't understand why he blamed the whole world. The phrase 'he died for wolrd peace' kept blinking in front of his eyes like a broken sign.

But right when he had come to this conclusion a very depressed, sunshine blonde entered the room, his friend, seeing how sadly the other looked at him, for the billionth time, all tied up to the hospital bed he thought of saluting him. But recoiled. No words were necessary. Nothing he'd ever say would make his blonde, energetic friend realise that he really had nothing more to live for. So he closed his eyes and numbed hsi hearing and inside his head the loud depressing music started to scream. He often used to do this. Imagine music in his head so he would push away everything, anything in the outside life. He heard his friend murmuring some words, but he couldn't bring himself to care. This was his life this was to be his life for a long long time, till God, if there was any such thing as god would punish him for being the sick bastard he was. Or was this his punishment? Having his family dead, his brother slaughtering them, above all. But why was he punished then? He was eight. He was innocent, and to the present he still hasn't taken the life of one single soul. What was the scope behind it? It was all beyond his understanding, and he started wondering if he was mentally ill or something, like his friends had often told him.

But then, intrerupting the train of his thoughts he vaguely hear his friend say

'...i'm really sorry... but they want to put you in a mental institute ..i...nothing i could say was good enough... they're putting you in tomorrow.'

Then black eyes snapped open as he started trying to extract his hand from under the tight knots.

'I am not, going into a mental hospital. You imbecile.' he hissed through gritted teeth, but still, after reading through the expression of his once bestfriend (still best friend?) he realised, there was no getting out of this.

'Great ' he said silently to himself. 'Now, you are going down. Swingin like a shit down the drain'

5


	2. Hell

All screwed up.

Chapter two: Hell

And so there we has sitting on his arse on a chair in the so called mental institution. He had been dragged out of Konoha, and he was somewhere between Rain and Wind for all he knew. A small place, no sane man, except for the medics lingered around. Even the animals were to scared to aproach such a, almost tangibly mentally ill place.

What was he doing here in the first place, he kind of missed that one part when Naruto mentioned it. He hissed through his teeth and pathetically hid his face in his palms. If only he were paying attention to little mister sunshine as the latter was telling him the condition of him being freed of this living, breathing insanity.

Closing his eyes always brought moribd figures in front of his eyes. He saw Karin lying in front of Danzo after she had been pierced through by Sasuke's Chidori. It was one of the most disgusting things he had ever done in his life. He had killed his comrade. While he had sworn to himself that he would'nt hurt the ones he called friends, because he hadn't wanted to see his precious ones die in front of him again. Was he so driven by anger? He did not even turn back to see, if she could have been saved.

He felt sick to his stomach while thinking of her. She had never been one he would tolerate, he would be easily angered by her always lingering next to him, flirting, but that was no reason to kill her as Naruto had said, - no had histericaly shouted in their last fight. He did not need Naruto to tell him that. The thought always lingered in the back of his head like a sharp knife making it's way through the back of his neck to his skull. Guilt. He presumed. And he knew unfortunatley that it was indeed guilt above all that he felt since that moment it was guilt. And he despised himself, for he had become everything he once loathed. He was a hypocrite peace of shit and came to think that maybe his place truely was in this mental hospital. So cold, so lonely, but so frighteningly true and scary: to think ones revenge, that desire to avenge would take him so far from that little laughing boy who he used to be. The one who could'nt even kill a fly because it felt _wrong_.

Again his train of thoughts were intrerupted by a harsh sound, loud music as he had come to recognise it. Nothing he'd ever hear before foreign music but loud screaming.

_I think about it, you know life and what it really means  
I drink about it, I think I'm busting at the seams  
Don't over think it, I think somebody told me that before  
Yeah whatever, That's my attitude, what can I say  
Evidently I was raised to be this way  
But incidentally there's days I really want to change  
If heaven sent me then why do I feel this crazy  
Got a man down. Mayday, mayday_

He had opened his ears and opened his eyes wide listening to the lyrics. Made sense in some way and the rythim just made him want to shoot up some coke and just lay the fuck on a comfortable couch and just listen to this over and over again. Not sitting in this wheelchair like a handicapped. So he got the knots untied with his chidori, the ones that tied himdown so he would'nt hurt himself, and went to the room where he heard the music. He had to cross the hall the huge white-walled halls, that made the thought of being in a hospital, a _mental hospital_ sink in.

_Bottles and cans, seeds and stems  
Down to my last roach here I am again  
Caught between tomorrow and yesterday  
Telling myself it'll be okay  
Bottles and cans, seeds and stems  
Will I ever change guess it all depends  
Feels like nothing ever went my way  
Telling myself it'll be okay_

He just couldn't find that fucking room and he got irritated, but then again he decided that it would be a good ocasion to see what this shitpile looked like. He didn't really like what he saw. It was full of retarded people. Full of traumatised ones. As he went through he came to the realisation that here were separate groups. The ones 'mentally ill' like well, him. The ones born retarded and the ones who had suffered trauma after decided he would go out, sit on the fucking rooftop maybe he'd get some cigarretes once he gets out of the ill house. He really wished he could be insivible for this moment, but like literally invisible. But he just resumed darting in the back of the assistents knocking them out one by one. They should've sedated him, but he guessed that Naruto and the others did not mention that though by removing the Shinobi rank from him , making him a commoner, they could'nt take his chackra,brain and skills from him.

' How pitiful ' he thought, as he slowly made his way to the stairs that lead to a door with had a writing on it saying DO NOT ENTER. He did not give a fuck used his Chidori to break the fucking lock and made his way on the rooftops, breathing in fresh air for the first time in four weeks since his been there. He acutally felt the pain in his rear, thus to the fact that he hadn't walked more than two feet from the bed to the wheel chair, and most of the times the medics had lifted him and put him in the chair aswell. He did not give a fuck about anything. He then closed the door behind him and put some bricks on it so they could'nt get up there that easily.

He then got the pack of cigarretes he had stolen from one of the medics coat aswell as some morpfhine fioles that he had found along with siringes. He would have wanted some beer or maybe vodka to them aswell, but he reconed he would do without them for awhile.

In a way, while taking a huge sip from his cigarette and holding the smoke in his lungs for as much as possible, his thoughts darted back at Naruto. He felt a bit sorry for him too, but the guilt he felt torwards Naruto was in no way to be compared to the one he filled torwards Karin. Though, Naruto was still one that he could make it all up to.

When he was dragged back, defeated, he remembered saying, i'm sorry Naruto, before blacking out. He couldn't bring himself to fay 'forgive me, Naruto' because he knew that he did not deserve his blonde friends' forgiveness. And in a way he did not think that his forgiveness would set his soul free anyway. But still he felt sorry for the guy, that had almost given up his life for him, only to be able to keep his promise to the love of his life, their comrade, Sakura. He thought of how, probably he himself did not mean anything to the blonde and that all that the latter did to bring him home was only to get his way into Sakura's soul. But that thought vanished as quickly as it had came. Narutos soul was as pure as the ocean's water, his love and power to forgive was like the warm caresses of the summer sunshine, like the chilly wind that felt so good when you were feverish, that offerd you imense comfort and sense of safety.

Even though he would never admit it, Sasuke always felt better in the company of Naruto, but ever since he had came back from well, his journey full of idiocy (or so Naruto would put it ) he had tried to shut off everything he had. His brain, his feelings, and his heart, but the latter was impossible with the blonde dobe always saving his life, saying that sooner or later he'll come to realise that there was something of value in his life. In everyones life.

And that made him to think of Kimimaro and Orochimaru. Made him think of Jugo and Suigetsu as he had lost them ever since the five kages meeting and he had foten wondered what had happened to the two. And then he would think back to Karin again making him really want to rewind the time, go back save the girl so he could at least, if even he was forced to live this wretched life at least so he could do it without the guilt he felt.

_'I was your biggest mistake Itachi, you know?' _he told himself as he had many times before spoken to his nii-san as if that would ease the pain of loosing him._ ' was your biggest and well as Danzo put it, your only mistake.. Right now I feel like my whole life was one full of stupid decisions, naivity and mistakes, but Karin, she is the one that kills me the most.' _

His mind went numb as the sun slowly started to make it's way on the other side of the earth, enveloping the trees , the institute and him on the rooftop in darkness. The sky being filled with beautiful shining stars, and the moon, with in the middle looked like hundreds of little mice had chewed on it.

He started wondering about small and stupid things, but details he had never contemplated on ever since he was a young boy. Was the moon really made of cheese? Were the stars really the ones that had passed away from the living world? And if so where were his parents? Where was Itachi in this whole huge, other Universe that was staring down on him at hat very moment. What would his mother say to him, what would their father say? Would he be proud, or dissapointed in his youngest? And most importantly what would Itachi say, what would Itachi do in his situation?True, he had ignored Itachi's will when not transplanting his eyes, and not returning immediatley after his death, still pure and innocent to Konoha, being a hero, the one to put fame and honour back to the Uchiha name, and instead going after the Village elders, and joining Akatsuki. He wondered if Itachi could ever forgive him for what he had done to Karin, and to his friends. He wondered if Itachi himself had ever forgiven himself for what he had done to Shisui, to Mother and Father and to the whole clan, and had he ever forgiven himself for what he had done to Sasuke? He closed his eyes in defeat as a cold raindrop hit his forehead and he heard several men trying to push the trapdoor open so they could go after Sasuke and probably sedate him and get him to bed.

_'__Will I ever change guess it all depends  
Feels like nothing ever went my way  
Telling myself it'll be okay__'_

He murmured the last lines of the song he had heard earlier that day. Truth had always hit him face forward but even now it could hurt as much as the first time it did, on thah night he had realized Itachi had cried and he was not hallucinating. He would never again see the sweet faces of his loved ones, and never again hear the sweet voice of his mother, the harsh tone of his father and his brothers manly, but calm voice saying

'Sorry Sasuke, maybe another time'

And for sure, he would never ever find out if the stars held place for the Uchiha up there somewhere, and he wasn't about to find out any soon if they held a place for little Sasuke to be at their side, and he won't know for another while if he could ever find his own kind in that mass of stars, departed souls all watching over their own loved ones that they had left behind, just like his whole family had left him.

Pouring rain had washed away the bitter tears these thoughts had brought him. He was the stoic, sole Uchiha survivor, whose physical apearence was one of a sixteen-year-old, and everyone saw him as if inside he was antient, but they were all wrong. Inside he was still that little boy who had cried rivers full of tears, and had screamed for his Aniki when he woke up in that hospital bed more than 10 years ago, all alone in that cruel village he had to call his home.

4


	3. The meaning of being Lonely

Chapter 3: The meaning of being lonely.

Days had passed. He had been sentenced to the 'whitewalledpuffy' room as the nurse put it up to him, like he was some retarded guy, who did not know what that involved. Being shut in a room, with white walls a little window and silence. He was there for at least three days now, he did not count them. He was lost in the great feeling the sedatives they gave him made him feel. He was content now. Listening the birds' song out, the sun shone brightly into the snow white psychopath room. Still he felt like he could sit like that for the rest of his life. He had been enjoying the sweet songs that the little creatures emanated. He wished he could be a bird sometimes. He wished he could fly far far away when the winter closed in, he wished he could feel the cool breeze of the wind ruffling his feathers. He gave out a low chuckle and touched his arms at that thought. Him having feathers was a hilarious thought. He thought of how the meds made him think really strange things sometimes, like now. But he finally had the chance to relax. He started to like the place. Free drugs, only thing he had to do is act up sometimes and he was provided with them, so he could feel good, and run away from his train of thoughts that just wouldn't leave him the fuck alone.

Just then the door opening disturbed him. He looked torwards the door with blurry eyes and made out the nurse who was letting someone in. Judging from the bright blonde head that appeared in the doorway accompanied by a smaller pink one and a pain white hair he knew who they were. His team had come to visit their nutcase teammate. '_How sweet of them' _Sasuke thought ironically.

'Sasuke temeeee' he heard the loud cry of Naruto who came over and kicked him lightly, playyfully in his leg. Somehow the tough made Sasuke shiver pleasantly._ 'Stupid medication for making me feel like this'_ he thought

' Stop shouting.. Usu--ratonkachi' he said while stuttering. He was so high. He couldn't make conversation. Not like he would have bothered even if he weren't

'Sasuke-kun...' he heard Sakuras worried voice as she stepped over to him and hugged him tight. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah Sakura, I'm fine.' he replied, as a forceful and fake smile settled on his lips.

' We heard about your little adventure on the roof last week Sasuke.. What was that all about?' Kakashi asked while bending over. Sasuke glanced in the way of his ex- mentor and saw the seriousness in his eyes. ' Were you about to jump off?' he asked bluntly not caring if the mere sentence made Naruto twitch and Sakura lower her head in defeat.

'No, Kakashi, i was not.' He deadpanned staring holes and throwed knives into Kakashi's wide forehead for he was not wearing his headband. ' I was merely looking for some peace and quiet, and I was looking to feel human again, not like some fucking retarded. But it's not like you understand this in your eyes i'm not _normal.'_ he spat the words that normally, would have not escaped through his lips. He had opened up and said exactly what he had thought of. Making him kick himself mentally for the idiocy of opening up to these so called 'friends' of his. Except for Naruto, he did not feel the need to express any anger, or anything as matter of fact in front of others.

' Oi, he.. We were worried about you, don't be such a jerk.' Naruto said solemly, such emptiness and still rage in his voice that made Sasuke just stare at the now serious face of the Sunshine Kid.

'.. Sorry.. I just.. I dunno, i feel better here than out there between the mental retards though.' Sasuke replied in a normal tone. If there was any tone that you could refer to as a normal one when it came to Sasuke, the always snake-like, stoic, cold-hearted bastard as Naruto once put it.

Naruto's gaze softened. Sakura forced a smile and made an attempt to brush her fingers through his hair, to untangle the raven locks, but his hair was just too messy, and he was just too much of a waste to even care anymore. As long as he got his stuff he could be placed with the pigs, for all he cared.

'God, Sasuke- kun' she said, while trying to wipe the sweat from his porehead with a worried look.

'Maybe we should get you out of here Sasuke.. ' Kakashi stated after he saw the exasperated look Sakura gave her.

'maybe,,, you should stop caring... And just leave me here in my misery.. It'll be over son if I go on like this, just let me go...' Sasuke stated shocking his friends. Sakura suddenly bursted out in tears, rubbing her face against Sasukes collarbone whilst Narutos fist was trembling.

'You fucking b-bastard..' he stammered.. You fuck.. How could you say that? After all we did for you how can you??' he screamed the last part scaring the shit out of Sakura who has staring, wide jade, teary eyed between me and Naruto, back and forth.

Sasuke was just staring, hazily into his sky-blue, clear eyes, as they were filling with tears of rage and some feeling he did not quite understand. He knew the dobe cared about him.. But.. This was ridiculous.. As if he cared more about him now than he did of anything else..Did he miss out on something? He suddenly felt really left out.

'Naruto..' he said with his hoarse voice..' Kakashi.. Sakura please..can you leave us for a moment?'

'Y-yeah Sasuke-kun.. As you wish' Kakashi said, still deadpanned, pulling a very crying Sakura from my lap.

//Sasuke's Pov from now on.//

As they exited, Naruto had set his gaze somewhere on the wall behind my head. As soon as the door closed behind my former female teammate and my former teacher I stood up, walked over to the idiot and just stared into those clear blue eyes that made me feel like I truely was a hawk roaming the skies as many times I set my eyes into his.

'T-teme..Sasuke..' he said, his voice tired, and a hint of defeat I never thought I would hear, not once in my lifetime. There was something seriously wrong with the dobe, adn even though I wanted to repress any feeling I had torwards the idiot, I just couldnt hold myself back. I put my hand on his cheek gently caressing the whisker marks that had seemed to darken since the last time I had seen him.

'What Naruto.. What's going on?' I asked, my tone betraying my usual self. And part of me started believing that the Uchiha Sasuke I had fought so hard during the years that had passed to create was slowly fading away, leaving nothing but the uselessly sensitive little boy that I once was. But I no longer had any use for the innocent little kid I once was. My hands were covered with blood, and I was the sinner.

'I need to tell you some things.. ' he said his voice cracking in the middle of his sentence. 'Please.. Don't hate me for it.. Sasuke..please..Teme...' he pleaded and now I knew something was terribly wrong. Had someone died.. Had he killed someone? Why would I hate him? Why cant he see how lightheaded he makes me feel.. Even though i'm fighting it with all I have.

Because of the meds. The thought hit me like a bomb. Err..yeah.

'Naruto. Tell me now.' I said in the msot serious tone I could scolding at the blond I now held by the shoulders so he wouldn't crash in front of me..

'jesus.. Sasuke.. It's h-hard.. But.. I need to tell you..' he started, in the same moment started pacing back and forth in front of me..I was getting even more dizzy while following him with my gaze. 'When you left..' he continued fidgeting, just like Hinata would in front of him, and it made me feel awkward about the whole situation. 'w---when you left.. I felt so empty Sasuke.. In all my lonelyness I haven't felt anything like it.. And.. I..through the years with Jiraya i realised, women..were not an option..'

Like an alarm had been set off in my head. No. NO. NO. NO! This was not happening we wasn't about to tell me he was gay and stuff like that. Even thought part of me wanted him, wanted him so bad the other part of me was screaming, that I, Uchiha Sasuke, could not and WOULD NOT be gay. But the blondes presence made the gay part of me win the battle, for the moment. I continued to listen to what Naruto had to say.

'..they just wern't an option for me.. Not the lot of them as Ero- Sennin wanted things to be.. You know..So I st.. You remember how i love Sakura chan...right?' he said looking up at me hopefully. And I felt the coldest, fucking painfulest blow to my stomach I had ever felt. He.. Belonged to .. Me.

' I.. Remember him.. Usuratonkachi... I.. How exactly could I forget that mere fact anyway?'You only brought me back for her anyway' I said trying to hide the jealousy and the pain in my body and soul.

' Well.. We..are..together..for..some time now.. We did no t know how to tell you' he said his face dead serious like he was on the verge of crying and then continued 'and.. We..decided to.. Get MARRIED' he shouted as loud as he could tears of joy rolling down those beautiful cheeks, and I felt my heart break into a million pieces again. That's bonds for you. Uchiha Sasuke.

'well..arent you going to congratulate, Sasuke-temee?' he asked not entirely understanding my face mimic.

' Sorry.. You just.. Shocked me. Congratulations' I said huging the dobe, but deep inside I felt something.. I have only felt with my brother. Being decieved all teh way through.. Or more like decieving myself.

' Thanks. So you'll be my best man. Kakashi and Sakura must check you out as we speak. The wedding is next week. I arranged.. Er.. I mean cleaned the Uchiha compound out for you.... And.. ' he went on excitedly.. But I did not give a fuck. All I wanted right now was a shot.. Something to get my mind off the feelings I had come to accept while I stayed in this mental hospital..whatever. It was all just a huge mistake.

'wow.. That's great.. ' I choked out , not hearing half of what he had said.

Later on that day we went back to Konoha. Went to Ichiraku Ramens to celebrate. It was tough..seeing him kiss her, her touching him, and holding his hand. Made me want to kill and the adamant need to cut something with my sword was so harsh I had to put all of my will to stand against it..somehow.

As I went home, to the Uchiha compound it was allready dark outside. Mosquitoes were flying everywhere as fireflies mixed with them. I entered that one, compound of the death, the song that my mother used to sing when I felt this lost during my childhood, for reasons far more stupid and unsignificant than this, ringing in my head. I felt as dead as all of the Uchihas, who were resting in the graveyard, not so far from the entrance.

I wanted to go there, see my mom and my father and sit next to them all of the night, like I used to during these lonely and utterly lost moments in my childhood.

I knew I had to be happy for Naruto. Because hate was not an option for me anymore.

My body felt heavy, and all I wanted was a good nights sleep. I decided, that i'll go the next day, to the Uchiha cemetery, to see my long departed family. As I went to open the door to the main house in which my family had resided in so many years ago, I took a look up at the stars. My feelings dwelling up. The pain I felt for having lost the chance to be with the one I currently love, and having lost everyone else made me feel like the useless piece of shit I really am. Naruto had been alone from the start, but had been able to make friends for he never knew the grief of loosing his dearest ones. I in the other hand knew what love meant. And for those short seven years of my life I had been with so many people that I loved, and even after that, my brother, my idol, the greatest person in my eyes.. Kept looking out after me, still managing to make me hate him like i've never ever hated anyone before.

Still here I was.. Standing here with tears rolling down my cheeks. And i felt that pang of loneliness and of pain I had felt when I returned from the hospital only to realise that their deaths wern't only a dream, the pang I had felt when I learned the truth about Itachi, and now the pang, after realising, not even Naruto needed me. I was useless. And I was the only one knowing the true meaning of being_ lonely._


	4. A dream only you can understand

So, I want to thank you for the reviews, and I want to take some time to tell you that:

I may have some spelling errors, and please i'd apreciate it if you could just skip those. I was tired when I wrote this and am in no shape, mood, and I lack time to re-read it and correct it.

Anyhow a more twisted chapter and a bit longer, hope you enjoy. :)

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Chapter 4:

A dream only you can understand.

As i opened my eyes, in the dull middleness of my first night in the Uchiha compound ever since that one fateful night, I felt the spirits of the death linger around my skin.

I had dreamt of mother. Her beautiful smile, as she flashed one of those motherly smiles that made me melt, as a child. How could I ever hate her? How could Itachi?

My brother had always been a mistery for me and had remained that way even after he died.. Even after I found out the truth about him, from Madara. For a short period of time he had been my everything. My idol, my enemy, my rival, my best friend, my univers. I did not just love him, i downright adored everything about him. Fate changed the wheel and it suddenly started working backwards turning my undying love into hate. But true to fact, as I laid in my bed that night I realised, that i did not hate, did never hate Itachi. I only made myself believe I hated him, just how I made myself believe that everyone in Konoha was responsible for what had happened. If i could only see things as Naruto would, I would have been able to forgive, and then I would not be laying here in this bed, a matress of memories, of nights my brother cradled me in his arms as I was afraid during storms. I feared lightning as a child, thus I became what I feared, in my once innocent being I loathed indifferent people, loathed violence of any sort. I became what I hated. Became what I feared the most. All of the drugs, the agony, not even causing physical pain did not save me from the nothing I became.

I slowly stood up, made my way to the living room, the pale blood on the rotten wooden floor. Smmes, like Naruto tried to scrub it off, somehow. Funny that. Every thought had lead me to him, as if my brain wanted to make me suffer even more, by running in circles around the things that were the msot painful to me.

I was thirsty. So I went only to realise that there was no water. No one had paid the bills, thus they had cut it for years. I went to look for other sources of water, as my throat and mouth seemed completley dry. I found a bottle of wine. It was dusty and it was my fathers favorite brand. I remember this bottle, when my mother bought it, when my father opened it.

Itachi had just been promoted so ANBU squad captain and my father was so proud. He poured himself, and my mother and my brother a glass of wine, and poured me some grape juice so as to match the taste.

We were all happy that night. I remember mothers cheeks, flushed red, from the wine she was not accustomed to drinking, smiling sheepishly at Itachi while caressing my head the whole time. I remember father who looked happier than ever, Pleased with himself, laid back, back resting against the wall, legs spread and arms crossed over his non-existing beer-belly.

I remember Itachi as he refused to admit his talent, as he joked with me, that night. His faint smile, his total relaxed posture, that even though he was never agitated, he never seemed that relaxed either.

And I remember myself, as I felt greatly proud of Itachi. He was my brother. He was the best, and even though I wanted father's aproval, i knew deep inside, that i'd never surpass him , and it was a fact, okay with me. I was proud of him. Him. My brother. The best I could have ever asked for.

And still as these thoughts crossed my mind I came to the conclusion: He was the best brother in the world. He sacrificed it all for me, died under my hating gaze. He deserved respect, and he deserved my love. Not that it made any difference. Not anymore.

I took the bottle of wine, finally and poured some for myself in an old, glass. As I poured the wine, the thought of the mere drink made me tilt my head. A liquid so grately resembling blood. My fathers favorite wine. And it made me hesitate, until I had really forced myself to take a sip of the bloodred drink.

It did taste like blood. Not only resembled it. The metallic taste reminded me of times when I had been so hurt that i'd cough up blood, only it had a taste different than my blood. Made me think of my father. And how this triggered a mental image of me drinking his spilled blood. Made me sick to my stomach so painfully, that I had to spit it out in the sink. My hands were trembling.

My father. My mother. My brother. My family.

Where did they go?

Why did they leave me behind?

Why was I condemned to suffer like this? I was dwelling in self pity, I knew that very well, but it did not make a difference.

I wanted to be with them

I wanted mother to plant one of her magic kisses on my forehead, telling me everything was going to be fine.

I wanted father, even if he did dissapproove of me, I needed him.

But most of all I needed Itachi. I needed my brother by my side. The only thing that could keep me sane, in this house full of pain and memories, that just made me want to go out and sleep in the cold harsh rain. Anything just to get away from the memories and that undying pain I had been locking away from some time now.

I felt searing hot liquid in the corners of my eyes as I abruptly sat down, putting my head between my knees pushing my tears back. I could'nt cry. It was something I believed, that if it would ever start it would never end. There would be no end to the tears that had kept themselves hidden, only to arise in a moment when I would mentally collapse and could not take it anymore.

But this night could not be it. I could not, because there was nothing that could get me on my feet again. No drugs, no drinks, no Blonde-lover. And my eyes snapped open to that thought.

Naruto, had been my life, in some ways.. And in some ways even I did not know what the boy had meant for me. He had called me his brother not once, not twice but so many times, ever since I came back i had ceased to count, not that I could anyway due to my every ounce of pot using and wrist cutting.

And thinking about cutting it suddenly, yet again, did not feel like a bad idea. But i couldn't. So I just stood up and made my way back to my room, resuming my sleepless night, haunted by that last smile my Aniki gave me..

'Sorry , Sasuke, this is the last time.'

Night had passed somehow, and as soon as I heard the rooster, I woke up, and attempted to go take a shower, up until I remembered I had no hot water, or in fact, no water at all. I grunted at the stupidness of the situation. The idiot could scrub the floor as much as he wanted, but it would have really been a drag to at least pay the bills. I would have returned him the money. I am an Uchiha. I don't need pitty.

So I had chosen my clothes for the day and walked out of the compound feeling relieved as I no longer had to smell the suffocating smell of death from the dead Uchihas, as instead, it was replaced by the sweet smell of Sakura flowers.

I started walking off towards where I remembered Naruto's apartment to be, though the thought occurred, that since he was with Sakura they might have moved in together. Not might have. For sure. And the thought of her being there all the time made me sick to my stomach.

This feeling was new. I never knew how much I liked the dobe, until he had told me he was marrying the bitch. And I suddenly felt a pang of guilt for thinking of her as that. If Naruto was truly happy with her, then I should be happy for them. And she had no fault.. She couldn't have known I was gay. Nor did Naruto. No one did. Not even me.

I shaked my head in dissapointment. I should have gotten used to this by now. The loss. The constant loss, it shouldn't even bother me anymore. I should've gotten used to it by now. Father, Itachi.. Konoha.. Everything. They were all big dissapointments, my life seemed just like a pathetic joke to the world.

Our lives, the Uchiha lives seemed like pathetic jokes to Konoha. The Village Hidden in the Leaf did not have a place for my family in it. So they thought to kill them off byt the only one they knew had a noble heart. My beloved Aniki. And how I hated this Village. Naruto was the reason I was here.. But then again the thought occured. Why should I stay? He is going to marry her, he doesn't need me. He only Brought me back for her, so it was all pointless. They could have might aswell left me in that rotten rehab-mental facility they had me in in the first place. I was better off there. Free drugs. Remember?

I drived my thoughts away as I stepped in font of his entrance door, and knocked. Not too loudly in case he was still asleep, but I heard Sakuras muffleg giggles and some squeeky kissing noises. I realised I had popped in in a rather bad moment. My stomach pulled into a tight ball. I had to go away. I needed to get the hell way, I did not want to hear their moans or whatever.

'Naruto, someone knocked. Go open the door. ' I heard Sakura say still giggling.

Oh how pleasant. I thought to myself. Well now isn't life just great?

Naruto appeared in the door as I braced myself for what I was about to witness. He was there standing in his long gray pijama shorts inf ront of me, with ruffled blonde hair and clear, sky-blue eyes. He stared at me deadpanned.

'Temeee... You've come in a rather bad moment, if you know what I mean' he said motioning to a very naked Sakura laying in the bed, with her cheecks flushed pink. I wanted to stroll over ad throw her out on the window. Instead I just shook my head in defeat.

'Sorry..' I said, my tone letting out the feelings of betraial that had welled up during the night, and I felt that I should have not spoken. It was a mistake comming here.

' Sasuke-kun.. You look pale.. And your eyes like have bags under them..' Sakura said, concern tinting her voice. I just looked at her. I wondered if she knew how lucky she is.

I did not want to hate her. I didn't she.. Despite the fact that we have never been really close, we were as close to friends as we could get, considering my way of being distant and all. I wanted to be happy for the two of them. But this sudden attraction I felt for the dobe, and the feling of being left out.. Made it real hard. I couldn't be happy. I was angry at myself.

Despite the fact that everyone praised me as the stonehearted, cold-hearted Uchiha survivor who did not care for everyone but himself, and they all thought I did not know how selfish they saw me. I have always been aware of those remarks, and I agreed. I was egoistical twisted bastard.

' Sasuke..?' Naruto asked. 'What is going on? ' he asked turning me to face him. His face was curiously trying to find any answer to his question as I hadn't replied.

' This was a mistake. ' I say loudly, not even realizing it and getting the hell out of there, as fast as my legs could carry me.

' Sasuke?'

' Sasuke- kuun?' I heard the two shout after me but I did not stop. I got the hell out of the building and started darting towards Kakashi's apartment. Soon after I exited I hear loud thuds behind me. As I turned around I faced a flshed Naruto staring angrily at me.

'Temee' You come, bother and then just leave? What's going on? ' he asked determined his gaze penetrating my face as he squeezed my shoulder.

'Nothing. ' I said in the coldest voice I could shrugging his hold on my shoulder down. ' I'm sorry I bothered your little fuck-party.' I spit.

'Wha'?' he steps back. ' What the fuck is your problem, Sasuke, I don't understand.'

I just shook my head in defeat. ' Nothing Usuratonkachi. Now go back to Sakura, and fuck her senseless. I'm going to Kakashi to take a shower.' I said and with that I turned.

' And you can't come back with me and take a shower at my place can't you? ' He shouts increduously behind my back.

' I dont want to bother. ' I said, feeling stupid as I had allready known I had bothered. But i wouldn't ever admit to that. I was an Uchiha. I would act like that aswell. With that I lifted my hed up high, kept my chin up, my back straight as I left the usuratonkachi fuming behind me.

I should have gotten used to being and eternal loser, by now. I was a great ninja ( that's my egoism for you) but a poor excuse of a human being. Always being decieved until the point I was now, that I did not even know who I myself am anymore. And I seemed to be eternally spinning, spinning, falling, falling and hitting the walls on my way as well. As if falling eternally was not enough for that cruel God. If he even existed.

A little girl bumped into me as I was walking thinking silently to myself. She had bright blond hair and beautiful blue eyes, that I noticed were full of tears, as warm liquid made it's way down her beautiful pale cheeks. She was clutching to an old, dirty Teddy-bear. I took a look over her. She had a pink little dress with pinguins on it, but it was torn and ditry just like her little bear. She did not have shoes and her legs seemed beyond hurt. Every step that lead from her was one that left a mark of blood.

' Gomen-nasai ' she said, covering her head, like I would hit her or something.

' I'll forgive you, if you tell me why you are so dirty and why you are crying ' I said. Even thought me better judgement said I should just leave this girl alone, her appearence made me think of Naruto and how unhappy he was. But he got a chance. And I pittied this beautiful little girl.

' I don't.. Dont have anything else.. And some boys were throwing rocks at me before, I was running away from them. ' she said sniffing. Big blue eyes staring terily up at me.

' Well if you promise me to tell your mother and father about this, then I will forgive you. How about that?' But then my mind started shouting FATAL ERROR as the little thing bursted out crying even more vehemently than before

'My mommy and daddy were killed.. I have no family.. I live in the streets. I was trying to steal those boys' lunch thats why they started throwing rocks at me.' she confessed. I was just so hungry.. And my feet hurt real bad..' she continued staring at her bloody feat.

My heart clenched. This really was someone who needed help. Needed a shoulder to cry on. I watched her cry and hug her bear even more tightly. I saw myself in her, the same lost little child that ocne had cried for everyone he had loved and eventually lost by violent ways. I wanted to help her. Even tough I knew it would change my coldhearted image, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. But leaving this child wondering on the streets, when I knew I could offer her better, something I never had, ther was no room for doubts. So I bent down and grabbed her chin gently, turning her face to face my own. With my other hand i wiped off the hot tears that were flowing down her cheeks like rivers.

' I lost my parents.. My whole clan.. And my brother.. ' my voice came out like a whisper, as her eyes widened. Sympathy showed in her young eyes, as if she understood why I was now whispering.

' And what did you do..?' she asked, through a cracked little voice

' I moved on.. As much as I could. I never forget them.. And I live in the house they were killed in, on my own. ' I confess amazeing myself at how easily I opened up to a mere child. The Uchiha Sasuke I have strived so long to build had gone down the drain. For good.

'I.. They threw me out.. We were living in rent..i've been all alone since then... ' she said.

' How old are you?' I asked curiously

' I'm seven' she replies blushing slightly under the intensity of my gaze.

' I was seven aswell.' I said pity filling my voice.. I was not alone in this world so it seems. Then I remembered. ' You said you were really hungry.' She nods, trying to look away and trying to hide her shame. ' You like ramen?' I asked the first food that popped into my mind. Damn that fucking Usuratonkachi for being always on my mind like a parasite. Though I notice her as she nodds eagerly. ' Then come on sweetie' _" Sweetie? Sasuke! Where is your mind?" _' lets get you some food, then I'll take you to a medical ninja t treat you feet how does that sound?'

'Arigato, gozaimasu!' she said, taking a little bow. I smiled my croocked and pathetic excuse of a smile and opened my arms so I could pick her up, so she won't hurt herself anymore. She eagerly climbed and we went to the ramen shop.

As I watched her eating a place in me, that had been so empty and void for all these years had somehow filled. Maybe helping her will take my mind off Naruto. Maybe I'll learn from her and could teach her how to defend herself. And then maybe, I could leave this place without any remorse.' Look.. Erm..what is your name?'

' It is Sayuri.. What is yours? ' She asked with her face dirty from the ramen noodles.

' Uchiha Sasuke' I reply while wiping her pretty face off. Seeing her in all her beauty made me feel like a pedofile. ' Sayuri, i was wondering.. Since I am all alone, and you are the same.. Would you like to live with me?'

She spun around so fast that she knocked her bowl down. 'You.. You mean it?' she stuttered, reminding me of Hinata, her eyes turning even more bigger, as she started fidgeting.

' I do' I smile my croocked smile again at her, only this time I guess it wasn't that crooked as some girls that were sitting in a farther corner of Ichiraku-ramens started squiealing.

'I would, thank you!!' she jumped from her chair straight into my arms. As I held her I felt her ribcage, and thought that this would need to change drastically and that I really needed to pay the bills and go shopping for some food.' But first.. I need to tell you something.. ' she said blushing deep.

'What is it? ' I said looking at her half expectantly for some kind of secret revelation, some secret that is very embarasing. You could expect anything from a child..

'Those girls.. Must envy me.. Because you are hugging me and ... You are really handsome.. I really like you allready.' She said and hugged me to hide her flushed cherry-red face.

Now that I did not expect as my jaw dropped and I laughed. ' Well... I really like you too.. So we are even' I said as I fidgeted in my pocket to pay for our lunch. Then I stood up, still carrying her and made my way back to Naruto, as much as I did not want to look like an idiot, I at least had a good reason for returning. This girl needed some healing done and sex could wait, so Sakura had to heal her up for me.

In about 5 minutes I got to his.. No their apartment again as I knocked, and waited for them to come. I hear the giggling again and rolleg my eyes as I bit my lip not to break down the door and stab Sakura with a little girl in my arms. That could very well wait. Open the door god damn it!

' What are we doing here? ' She asked in a sleepy voice, as I assumed she had fallen asleep while we got here.

'Someone is goint to look at your feet' I said, as she looked alarmed over at me. ' But don't worry she won't hurt you. No one will from now on. I'll take care of you' I said and kissed her forehead.

Just in timind the door opened and as I removed my lips from her forehead I saw a shocked Naruto and Sakura standing in the doorway.

'Sasuke.. What..?' she asked concerned looking at the small girl in my arms.

' She needs some healing, Sakura' I said seriously as she nodded and they let me in. I handed Sayuri over to Sakura as she sat her down and started performing a healing jutsu on her. Meanwhile Naruto brought me a cup of tea and we sat down.

' Who is she teme? ' He wasked while taking a sip of his overly sweet tea.

' She can talk aswell, Naruto, why don't you ask her' I spit back, not in the mood of making conversation. Their whole apartment smelled of sex. And it irritated me beyond everything.

' Fine fine..' he said as he strolled over and bent down looking her in the eyes and smiling his charming toothy smile at Sayuri. ' Hey beauty, that bastard who brought you here won't tell me who you are. Would you please?'

'I'm Sayuri.. And don't call him a teme.. He is handsome' She said blushing furiously at Naruto, as Sakura burst out in giggles. Made me wanna pummel her.

' Eh well... You have strange tastes.. Either way.. What are the two of you doing together? ' he asked eyeing suspiciously as Sakura slapped his arm.

'Naruto!' she pouted as she caressed Sayuris face.

' Should I tell them? ' she asked looking at me, and I nodded.

' He asked if he .. If we could live together, both being alone in the world and all' she explained to where narutos smile became a frown and so did Sakura's.

' Teme.. You're not alone in the world..' he said looking at me through hazy eyes.

' Yes Sasuke-kun, you have us. Us getting married, won't change things. ' she said trying to reassure me. They thought that was the problem earlier. How.. No they couldn't know..

' So your not alone!' Sayuri shouts tears welling up. ' Why did you lie?'

'I did not. ' I reply walking over to her, picking her up. ' They are the ones lying to me..and lying to themselves.' I say as I turn to walk out of that dreadful apartment

' Sasuke-kun wait!' Sakura pleads

'Yeah Teme, wait the hell up!' he shouted angrily at me. His fists clenching at his sides. ' We need to talk about this' he said warningly.

' There is nothing to be said. I.. I'm happy for you' I lied through gritted teeth, and I was sure they could sense the venom in my voice as I said it.. ' But I just don't fit in the picture. I never did.' I told them

' But, Sasuke-kun..' Sakura started as I waved her off.

' Thank you for healing her. ' and with that I was off.

Once I got out of the building I was happy yet again for the fresh air. As we walked through the morning haze to the Uchiha compound, I stared at the blonde locks that the wind blew in my face.

My mohers wish was for me to have a family once, and thought I can't have my own, I, at least won't be alone. And maybe she'll be the one, who will help me get past my lustfull love for Naruto, which I was sure was only a mere mistake. Some miss-interpreted feeling of jealousy but of what I had no idea.

I just felt like, this girl, she may be the one doing great things in life. And maybe, when the time will come, for me to leave, she will remember Naruto of my existence every day, so he wouldn't abandon me into the past.

Because I knew, that I would never ever forget him.

My best friend.

My only friend.

My brother instead of my brother.

My reason for coming back home.


	5. You can only go down, but so low

**sorry sorry I really did not have time to write much other than rambles.. and did not have an idea what to write here. i had lots but i got all confused and blocked.**

**i also re read the othe chapters and i realized i had so many mistakes, i am so so so sorry for those but i won't correct them.**

**anyway enjoy and review, backup would be nice anyway :)**

**love**

**Disclaimer: Masashi's.  
**

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I was stumbling along Konoha, carrying two brown bags full of groceries, as I made my way back to the compound, with food for the little one and paying the bills, so we would have water again.

As I entered the compound, i heard weird pacing through the corridors as suddenly a curious little head popped out from behind a wall as I was taking my sandals off. I looked at her, as she smiled at me and jumped in my arms and hugged me tightly with a happy 'You're back, Sasuke nii-chan'

I smiled as well, hugging her back ' Yes, I am sweetie' again. _"Sweetie. Yes Sasuke you are losing it" _

_'_What have you been doing until i was out?' I asked trying to make conversation with her while i put the groceries away, checking the water tap as well. She ran behind me and looked at me, smiling as I put everything into the right cupboard.

' I.. Well.. I was walking around and I an interesting room , i really like it.' she said enthusiastically.

'Oh? Which one might that be?' I asked actually interested in her reply. Praying to god, it wasn't my brothers' room,

' It has blue walls and a neat bed and beautiful paintings in it' she said. _"Itachi..."_ I thought bitterly all my hope gone.

'Would you like that to be your room?' I asked her

' I..I was thinking.. Can I ..sleep with you?' she asked blushing again and I laughed. I actually laughed.

'Sure, if you want to.' was my reply and I ruffled her hair. ' Hey. Seeing as we have water now what do you say about a shower?' I asked her seeing as she probably craved for one.

' O..Okay' she said and paled, which made me curious and worried.

'What's wrong?' I ask her putting my hand on her shoulder.

'n-nothing Sasuke nii.. Let's go.' she said taking my hand and dragging me to the bathroom she probably like the we got there she started undressing as I helped her out. I figured that she wanted me to help her seeing as she dragged me with her all the way here, so I turned on the water to fill the bathtub issue waited behind my back. I bent down to find some shampoo when I felt her lifting my shirt up.

I looked at her curiously, as she motioned for me to get it off. I did not understand and i did as the child showed me too, and went back to looking for the shampoo. As soon as I found it I turned off the water and put her into the water while sitting on the edge, also putting my legs in the water getting my pants all wet.

She dipped under the water then emerged and laughed wiping her eyes as I smiled a soft smile at her. How could she smile after all she went through? I wished I could have been able to appreciate the small things like she did, but recalling on myself I only fell deeper and deeper into my own private hell.

'Aren't you gonna get into the water Sasuke-nii?' she asked, concern evident in her eyes.

' If you want me to, yes.' I replied uncertainly to her request. I got my pants off, remaining in my boxers as I sat down beside her. She slowly sat in my lap and played with the water never looking into my eyes. I didn't know what to do so I started shampooing her beautiful golden locks while getting lost into my thoughts.

I was thinking about Naruto again, how he pissed me off and how I, even though I did not want to, hated Sakura for her luck. I felt a hand wrap around my dick as I was thinking this and quickly snapped out of my thoughts, my eyes wide at seeing what Sayuri was doing. She was bending down at my now exposed member hands trembling as she did so.

I froze. I felt completely numb. But I recovered. Right before she could do anything I lifted her head up quickly putting my dick back where it belonged ( in my boxers).

'Wh-what's wrong.. Don't you want it?' she asked her voice trembling as much as her hands were and I saw tears emerging. I felt like I was about to explode. This girl had been sexually abused. And she thought I was going to do the same.

'Sayuri. What is the meaning of this? Did somebody put you up to doing that?' I asked my voice shaking from anger

'Y-yes' she said and buried her face in my chest crying. ' Th-there was this man.. Living near Ichiraku's I.. He gave me food for a short period of time, but he always asked ..th-that in return' she sobbed in my neck and I felt anger rising. I hugged the little girl and kissed the top of her head. Whoever did that to her, I would find him and kill him. There was nothing more despicable than sexually molesting a child. Damned pedophiles.

' Sweetie, look at me' I said suppressing my anger so I wouldn't scare her. ' I don't want anything like that. And, you show me who that person was, I'll make him pay for what he did to you. I'll always take care of you baby, I won't let anyone hurt you, from now on, understand?' I said my tone firm as she nodded and kissed my cheek.

'Th-thank you, Sasuke-nii.' she said wrapping her arms around my neck and burying her face, so i couldn't see her.

After what seemed like half an hour I realized she had fallen asleep in my arms, in the hot water. I slowly got out and whipped her off, getting her into a small kimono, that I had previously found in between my mothers clothes. I put her into my bed and covered her with a blanket and slowly made my way out on the porch.

It was a full day and it had pissed me off beyond anything. I found that it would be futile to even attempt sleeping so i just sat there looking out at the stars as I lit a cigarette. The world did not cease to amaze me with all it's fucked- upness. I took a look at the little girl sleeping sound in my bed and sighed.

It was all so disgusting it made me want to throw out my in-existent dinner. A little girl to have her parents murdered, to be sexually abused so she could have something to eat, and having her think everyone in the world is scum and would do that to her.

I actually snorted at the thought. I thought everyone was scum as well. Maybe it was the truth though, maybe it was all just one big joke, just some lame excuse for being alive. Happy people, were stupid, like Naruto and Sakura. Happy people knew how to forgive. And people who forgive and stupid people in my opinion.

We all start with good intent, at the start, everything is okay and happy-go-lucky. Then things either go downhill or they stay the same. A person stays the same, no matter what happens to them. And some just sink so low. Just like I had. Truth be told, I had tried my best, but I got caught up in all there was to offer. My revenge, that had driven me. Now, I was an avenger with nothing to avenge. I only existed as if to mark time, and mark the existence of the Uchiha clan.

I shook my head. Pointless thinking never lead anywhere and there was no use in doing so tonight either. My life sucked and nothing anyone said would change that mere fact. I one was and innocent child, just like Sayuri was, but just like they had told me million times before, I just went the wrong way. The wrong way in their eyes, but it was the right path in mine.

I entered the house and closed the windows, as it had gotten chilly while i sat outside. I went into the kitchen and sat down in front of the sink and put my heat between my knees. The same position as the night before. I needed release. The release I did not get ever since I got back from the mental facility.

I did not want drugs. I did not want to do things I would later on regret in front of the little girl, but I needed something. Something to numb the hollow in my soul. The nothingness of being unwanted, unneeded . I slowly sat up and rummaged through the cutlery until I found a knife. It was sharp and appealing and I just sat down on the same spot again just staring at the blade.

I slowly pushed the cold metal against my skin and watched as it slowly ripped through flesh and blood stared oozing out slowly making it's way on the floor. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the counter and sighed. I couldn't believe I had gotten here. I used to be a little boy, full of energy. I adored my brother, and my mother and father. What had I done to deserve everything I got? Was all the blame of my ancestors crushed upon me? Was everything they had done to Senju my fault? I was an innocent child, with a thorn in my heart, a thorn of evil and hatred, and as a tomato my heart had gotten rotten, and full of bitterness and hatred. I was dreaming this life away, hating everything that moved around me for so long, that I nearly forgot what life really was. And now that I had found a reason to live, I found that I wasn't needed anymore. My best friend, whom I love with all my heart, and had finally come to admit it was about to get married to the woman of his dreams, leaving me behind with all of my regrets.

I opened my eyes again and repeated the motion on my arms a few more times up until the skin was ripped in many deep paths. Those cuts, the blood just showed me that I was still alive, no matter how dead I really felt deep inside my heart.

My body was alive, but my soul it had been killed for the mistakes of my ancestors. I had paid the price of those before me. I was just a victim of the past, and it's mistakes. I had come to realize this every night ever since Itachi died, only I would never be able to confide in anyone.

I had only so much pride to go down so low. I am an Uchiha, and I had never been good at accepting help from others, and that was not about to change. Either way, nobody could really understand. All that yapping of Naruto's about knowing how I feel and even Sakuras words to me all those years ago, about knowing that solitude is painful.. They really had no idea what it was like.

Naruto did not see his parents dead on the floor,his brother standing beside them, blade in his hand. He did not hear the truth, or Itachis last words to him, each time he closed his eyes. Even if my whole clan were to be magically resurrected, I would not be able to let go of that image. Not now not ever. It was the nightmare I lived through each day. It was something I could never let go of. It defined me ad he path I had taken.

It was all just so screwed up.

* * *

Morning had come, and my mind did not stop racing as I just sat there all night long keeping to add more wounds on my arms. I did not give a damn about what anyone would think of them. Of me of what I lived.

As soon as I hear the rooster I got up and washed the blood off my arms, so Sayuri wouldn't get scared. As I finished that I walked into the kitchen to make some breakfast for the two of us.

It was really something to be living with someone in this house after more than a decade of solitude and only the haunting ghosts of my parents to keep my company in this huge mansion.

It was something new and I did not dislike it because I knew that I was doing a good deed. For the first time in so long I was doing something that not only seemed okay in my eyes, but was accepted by the society I lived in as well. Not that I gave a damn, but maybe this was the start of a new chapter in my life. A new chapter in this village I hated and despised so much.

I made some toast and tea and boiled two eggs, in case the little one like them. I also put some jam on the small kitchen table for her in case she liked sweets.

I slowly went upstairs only to find her on the porch looking at some birds that were playing in the little pond in the back of my house. "_Our house" _I thought and smiled lightly.

'Good morning sweetie' I greeted as she turned to look at me with those bright blue eyes that reminded me of Naruto so much.

'Morning' she said and smiled as she ran toward me ad hugged me by the waist.

'Breakfast is ready' I said and lightly patted her head, smoothing golden lock's on her forehead.

'Okay' she said as she grabbed my hand. ' wanna race?' she asked with a grin and I nodded as we both started running toward the kitchen. As she was tugging the back of my shirt I tickled her.

' No cheating sweetie' I said and continued tickling her and she laughed. She looked so happy it actually made me forget about everything I thought about during the night.

'You're the one cheating' she screamed, as I lifted her up in my arms, still tickling her and started running toward the kitchen. As I got into there I nearly dropped Sayuri flat-face on the ground. Naruto was standing there looking worried and all worked up, as he turned to face us.

'Hey, aren't you that guy who called Sasuke-nii a teme?' Sayuri finally asked as I had stopped tickling here, her gaze shifting constantly between me and Naruto.

'Yeah, it's me' Naruto said with a grin. ' Did you sleep well, princess?' he asked her as she rand to him and hugged him the minute I released her.

'Yeah, I did' she replied with a grin before running to the table and started digging in. Naruto turned to look at me the worry back in his eyes.

'We need to talk, you bastard' he said in a low voice, as if he did not know how to act.

' Okay. Talk.' I said trying to keep any emotion out of my voice and mentally patting myself on the head for succeeding.

' Teme, what was that about you not fitting in the picture? I mean you know what you mean to me..' he said edging closer to me as I started staring at the ground.

_" Should I tell him? Shouldn't I? What if he will hate me? I can't loose him, and I can't make him feel guilty. But i can't hide it either..." _

'Sasuke teme..' he came, his ocean-blue eyes locking with my onyx ones. 'Please.. Just talk to me...'

'N-nothing Naruto. Just, drop it.' I dead-panned not being able to tell him whatever I had buried deep within my heart. I couldn't ruin his happiness. Not now.. Not anymore. Not ever.

' Teme, you've been acting weird ever since I told you about me and Sakura, what.. Do you have feeling for her.. Please just tell me, Sasuke.' he pleaded.

' I think Sasuke-nii has the hots for you.' Sayuri interrupted and actually made me want to bang my head in the wall. How had she realized?

' Sayuri, just eat' I instructed her.

'Sorry Sasuke-niichan. But you looked at him that way.. I just thought.' she said her voice dying as she realized that she should'nt have said that last sentence. The way she bit her lip and returned to her egg and toast and the way Naruto looked at her completely bummed made me resist the urge to face-palm.

Just great. How have I gotten myself into this, again?

'Is it true?' he finally spoke, his voice, hostile. He turned to face me, his angry blue-gaze making me want to bury myself right there and then.

'Yes.' I stated the already was no point in denying it when even a small child could notice, but of course, the dumbass and the bitch didn't.

' Errm..' he said and turned away blushing and walking toward a seat. He sat down and started fumbling with the hem of his jacket. ' I..' he started but bit his lip then sighed and motioned toward me ' I'm at loss of words here, help me out?' He said trying to sound cheery, but seeing as I did not even make an attempt to change my expression, he gave up, turning to stare at the floor.

We sat there, like that for minutes, but those minutes seemed like an eternity to me. Even though I wouldn't admit it, my heart was racing and the thought of Naruto rejecting me to my face, did not seem appealing at all. I did not know how I would handle a rejection from the, so I had figured out, love of my life, seeing as to what harm I had caused himself because of things that had happened so long ago, I did not want to end up being suicidal. And I knew, despite all my efforts, I seemed like a stone hearted bastard to the others, but really, underneath that mask I always wore, I knew, I was just a lost kid, who longed for acceptance, who loved and wanted to be loved back.

'I really love Sakura-chan, Sasuke..' he finally spoke and I could feel my heart sink into the pit of my stomach. "here we go..' I thought bitterly and grimaced as he continued. ' I really.. Really love her Sasuke, you know that.' He said blue eyes focusing on my face as if to see what harm his words were causing. I mentally cheered at myself for being able to hold my stoic expression in place even though the fifth ninja war was playing it's trailer in my body.'I it was anyone else, they'd say you only do this to crave attention Sasuke..and I really feel like I know you enough not to presume something like that..' he said, but I felt the bullets attached to his words.

He did think my sole reason for doing and saying this was to get attention.

'You did not just accuse me of pretending to be in love with my best friend to get attention, Naruto. ' I said, my voice shaking violently as I spat the words in his face. ' I know i've gone down, but only so low, Naruto. The fact that I've been having feelings for you does not have anything to do with anyone else but you and me.' I said forgetting about the little girl who was now looking stressed at me and Naruto.

' I did not accuse you of anything bastard! Would you just fucking listen to for five fucking minutes?' he stood up shouting at me to which I emerged ready to punch him straight in his face. How dared he? ' I just love her Sasuke! I love her. And if you love me, Sasuke, then understand my feelings for her won't change. And besides Sasuke, frickin' look at us! Did you ever think about anything? Look at us! We can't go five minutes without argueing.'

I just lifted my hand and started rubbing the bridge of my nose in a futile attempt to make the anger go away. And not just the anger, but also the tears that were forming. I would not cry in front of this dumbass, not in front of hi, not in front of anyone. But he was right. What was I thinking?

'Sasuke..' he started and came closer, lifting my hand away from my face and grabbing to my chin to get a better look at my face. I opened my eyes and stared into his concerned blue sapphires. He seemed to be looking, searching for anything, any answer he could get. ' Please, you are like a brother to me, I don't want to hurt you..' he stated and I knew he was being honest. And I was being selfish again, as I always have been.

' I never expected for you to love me back. ' I finally chocked out breaking eye contact as it had started to be more and more uncomfortable. ' I just, never knew .. You rejecting me in my face would hurt this much..' I said before i realized what I was saying. I cursed myself for saying what i did, making myself seem vulnerable in front of him. I did not want him to feel bad because of this. It's not like there was anything wrong with him for choosing a beautiful girl, like Sakura instead of his best friend. His male best friend. His gay best friend. If anyone was having problems it was me, and I knew it.

' Sasuke.. I..really am sorry' he said concern very evident in his voice as he turned to see Sayuri staring wide-eyed at the two of us. Dejectedly I turned over to look at her as well. Our eyes met and I saw concern in those big beautiful eyes of hers. The concern of an innocent child, who did not know what love meant and truly had no idea what rejection meant. Silently I made a mental note to self, never to allow her to have to face these kinds of things on her own.

'Sasuke-niisan' she squealed before running toward me and hugging me by my waist. ' I'm sorry' she mumbled into my pants as I softly patted her head.

'It's alright beauty. You did well. We had to talk about it sooner or later anyway, you know?' Naruto replied instead of me, bending down and playfully, gently poking her cheeks as she flushed and hid her face once again.

Then he straightened himself and looked me in the eyes, regret clear in his gaze.

'Are we okay,Sasuke?' he asked as if unsure he wanted to hear the reply.

' I don't know.' I answered truthfully as I kept caressing Sayuri's cheek with my left hand, the right one shoved deeply into my pockets.

'I don't want to lose you..again. ' Naruto whispered, and I looked up at him realizing that he feared that he had just destroyed our friendship. I was really, totally bummed.

I loved the have. And having him reject me hurt just like Itachi's death or the death of my clan had. Whatnot, it was more vivid than any of those and it made my heart clench.

'Sasuke..' he started but I waved him off.

' You know the way out.' I deadpanned and he just stared at me wide-eyed. I couldn't do this. Not now. Not when every little part of me screamed that I would never be able to get over him, that I wanted him, wanted him so badly to be mine it hurt to the very essence of my being.

He just stared then slowly bent down kissing Sayuri on the cheek and left the house without another word. I figured it was for the best since I did not know what to say to him either way. He just made it easier for the bot of us, really. It was hard enough as it was.

As soon as I hear the door slam I instructed Sayuri back to the table and I started having breakfast as well. She just kept looking at me worried, and I smiled a few soft and small smiles as if to reassure her that everything was fine. Maybe I was just trying to reassure myself.

* * *

Later that day I found that Tsunade was expecting me. Trusting Sayuri to take care of herself in the Uchiha district and find something to distract herself with I slowly walked along the streets of the village I tried so hard to forget, the village I hated so fucking much. Sighing I made my way through the mass of people walking around chaotically in the small streets of the village, to the Hokage tower and made my way up, still deeply lost in thought and shooting death-glares at anyone who dared stare at me for more than two seconds. I may have been a traitor and I may have done my fair share of killing but these people, they had no right to judge me. No right at all.

I knocked on the door, hearing her mumble something under her breath I let myself in without no further ado. I cursed myself when i saw Sakura and Naruto standing there along with Kakashi. Naruto and Sakura turned to me and the look in Sakura's eyes, that all-knowing sad gaze made it clear to me that the idiot had told her everything. _" Just fucking great" _I thought bitterly._ " All I need is her starting on her fucking ' I'm so-so sorry Sasuke-kun you'll find someone else' speech and I'm really going to attempt suicide."_

_'_You sure took your time getting here, you rbat' she growled at me making me smirk in satisfaction.

' Why, should have I hurried up a bit? ' I bit back, venom in my voice.

' Sasuke. You're watch your mouth' Kakashi interjected and I sent him an annoyed glare.

' I'm not thirteen anymore, Kakashi. And more importantly I'm not your student anymore so don't you try and discipline me' I told him coolly, turning my gaze to Tsunade. ' So speak, what do you want from me?' I asked her non-chalantly

'Sasuke-kun!' I heard Sakura gasp and I made a barely audible snort. _"Little bitch." _I thought without even realizing. I did not want to hate her but it was happening and I made no attempt to stop it whatsoever.

' Yeah, yeah, you brat. You and your pride. Tch ' Tsunade said her gaze softening as she waved toward Sakura not to bother with me. _"How nice of her to do so." '_it's about your former team-mates, Uchiha they have been acting up. I'm sending the four of you on a mission to capture them and bring them back to Konoha' She said

'Right' the three beside me said as i only coked and eyebrow at her.

'And why would I do that?' I asked in a cheeky way. There was no way i'd make Suigetsu's and Juugos life hell by forcing them to come to Konoha. They had no reason whatsoever to come anyway. They were not leaf ninja.

' Sasuke, stop' Naruto instructed me in a serious tone. I could tell he was walking on egg-shells around me.

'Shut up, usuratonkachi' i snapped glaring daggers at him. ' Why the fuck should I go? First of all they are not leaf shinobi, you have no authority over them, secondly, it's not like I came back so willingly, why would I make their lives _hell_ as well? Hmm?' I could hear Sakura and Naruto wincing as I said my life was hell back here, but I didn't care, I wanted to hate them, maybe that would make forgetting about the feelings I had for Naruto easier as well. I knew I was being childish but i wouldn't admit to that. Not in a million years. Not in front of them. ' Furthermore, I have a little girl to look after. And i'm not leaving her with just about any stranger. That being said i'm leaving. ' I said, not even waiting for a reply as I turned on my heels and walked gracefully towards the door.

'Just wait you bastard of a child. Don't you dare turn your back on me. I'm the Hokage' Tsunade snapped hitting her desk with all her might. ' I will arrange Iruka to look after the child but you _**are **_going to go on this mission regardless of your wishes. ' I turned to her staring at her with all the hate I could accumulate at the time. ' I fucking know' she continued ' of your little crush on Naruto.' she said through gritted teeth and I snapped my eyes furiously toward Naruto who started fidgeting and blushing and mumbling things under his breath and Sakura who just stood there biting her lip.

'Tsunade-sama that's private' Sakura stated just pointing out the obvious,

' Yeah Baa-chan drop it..' Naruto whispered.

' I'm not going to fucking drop it. If this prick thinks he can ruin your happiness before your wedding with this than he is lower than I thought. ' she shouted pointing at me.

' What?' I snapped shouting angrily at them. ' Seriously? Fuck! '' I stomped back to stand beside them breathing heavily. ' _Seriously_, Naruto?' I shouted looking at him. ' I fucking told you it was not about that you fucking dead-last!'

'Then what is it about Sasuke-kun, because I really don't understand!' Sakura shouted, tears making their way down her cheeks. ' Why now? Why?'

' I.. Jesus Fuck! ' I shouted slamming my fist on the desk, shutting my eyes trying to calm down.

' I fucking trusted you, Naruto and you go around telling everyone? ' I asked between ragged breaths.

'I'm sorry.' he said looking at me ' I did not know what to do, I told Sakura, she just thought what I told you everyone would think..' he said guilt filling his voice.

'Fucking figures' I whispered feeling slight wetness on my shirt. I glanced only to see that the fabric of my shirt had gotten all bloody. My wound must have snapped open when I hit the desk.

'Whats that Uchiha?' Tsunade asked cocking her eyebrows, noticing even though I had tried to hid it.

'Nothing.' I answered feeling the other three's gaze on me.

' Nothing my ass.' Naruto stated his voice trembling. ' What have you don to yourself this time?' he asked and I knew he was pissed.

'Nothing that would concern you.' I spat.

' I fucking care about you, you fucking bastard' he shouted next and I really felt the need to punch him. ' The fact that you told me that you are in love with me did not change anything. I still want you to be my best man and I still love you. ' He said as my eyes darted on his face as he said the three last words. The sounded to good coming from him and I cursed myself for wanting him, for needing him so bad.

He realized what he said and corrected himself as Sakura turned wide jade eyes to look at him. ' I love you, you bastard, but I am not in love with you. I'm sorry. ' he said apologetically. I knew he meant it and I wanted to stop being to damn selfish just for the sake of them. But I couldn't help but feel that losing him meant loosing any touch with reality. I might as well be dead then.

' I don't need your pity Tsunade. I don't need you to send us on a mission together thinking it will make us solve whatever problems we have. I know Naruto does not love me back and I don't give a fucking shit about what all of you think.' I said calming myself down and sinking into my self-pity, hoping the others would not hear it in my voice. ' I acknowledge their love, I'm still going to be your best man, Naruto, and i'm as happy as I can be for you.' I said turning to look at them, Sakura crying silently, her eyes filled with worry. ' But doing this won't change a damn thing. It won't change my feelings. I-I'm sorry.' i said and silence filled the room, just before Sakura spun me around and hugged me, sobbing into my chest.

'I.. I just.. Sasuke-kun' she cried and I felt bad for having her feel this way. It was all my fault, not theirs.

' It's okay, Sakura. It's fine.' I tried to sound convincing as I turned to look at Naruto. Blue and black eyes met as we stared into each others eyes for a long time.

' Do you, hate me?' she asked between sobs and Naruto came forward hugging his bride.

' You did nothing wrong babe..' he whispered into her hair pulling her out of my arms and hugging her himself while still staring into my eyes.

I found I could no longer hold the eye contact and just spun around and left.

All I really wanted to do was get a kunai and go kill myself somewhere where no one would find me. But no. I had to wait until the wedding.

Silently I walked back to the compound the same way I had walked to the tower, lost in my thoughts.

Thoughts of Sayuri, of my family, of Kakashi, Tsunade, Sakura and most importantly, Naruto.


End file.
